To the Single around Valentine’s Day

Earlier this week, I posted a letter to the Church with some thoughts about Singles and how the Church might better encourage the entire Body to love the God and love each other better. And now I would like to address my Single Brothers and Sisters with some thoughts of how we might better love God and the Church in this sovereignly (temporary or not) designated state we find ourselves in. 

I, probably like many of my single friends, didn’t think I would be at single at my age. Fill in an age here, 25, 30, 45, 60. Nor did I think there were possibly additional careless things that could be said be people trying to be encouraging.  Maybe you can identify with this (very) partial list.

Have you found someone special yet? No, sorry.  Still haven’t been found.

What’s wrong with the men?  I’m not sure I am qualified to tackle that.

What’s wrong with you?  Are you gay?  No, but I do really like pizza?

Don’t you want to get married? Have kids?  What are you waiting for?  Um… to be found by a normal guy who likes pizza?

Well, at least you don’t have to clean up after a husband.  I kind of like cleaning.  It is a genetic trait.

Have you tried E-Harmony?  Christian Mingle?  Called Together?  Tinder?  So what your saying is that you don’t know any normal men my age that you are willing to risk introducing me to?

Come on! Maybe you will catch the bouquet this time!  Yeah, no thanks.  Someone told me the third time was a charm–it wasn’t.  But if you want to give me flowers without making me check and block and jump for them, I would enjoy that!

Or my new favorite thoughtless interaction, upon meeting a new person:  Question 1:  What’s your name?  Question 2:  What does your husband do?  I, however, love it when people ask, “Tell me about your family?” or “What do you like on your pizza?”


People.  I am not bitter.  I can trust my God and His good plan for my life.  I have learned so much in this journey to middle age without a spouse, and I probably also (often) say uninformed things to others about their marriages/kids/homeschooling/weather systems/housing choices.  We have to listen to one another, and be able to be honest and kind in communicating, right?

Below are some means that the Lord has used to fixed my eyes on Him with regard to living a single life, but before I go any further, let me qualify the items below:

I do not focus on all of these things all of the time.

I don’t have it all together.  Some days are really hard.   For example, some days have required hard work to rejoice with those who rejoice over engagements, weddings, babies.  Sometimes, the realization that I will never be somebody’s mom or grandmother hits me like a ton of bricks.  But those days are tempered by the goodness of my God and His people in my life–and, can we be frank? Nachos.


Some of the means of God’s work in my life are more pronounced at some times than other, but all of them point me back to Who and what really matters–loving God and loving people.

So how can we, as singles, make the most of our time?  We do need to redeem the time because these days ARE evil and our God is worthy of our undivided attention.  How do I as the single person respond to being single?  Is devotion to the glory of God my chief end?  How can I pursue a life of undivided devotion?  How do I live in such a way that the Spirit’s work of moral and spiritual excellence—of God’s goodness—is actively flourishing in my life?

1.  Memorize Scripture.  I must find my identity as a child of God to be more precious than any other possible status.  Memorizing the Words of God forces me to meditate on His character rather than of ruminating on my disapointments.

2. Chase Contentment.  Contentment is a lifestyle of thankfulness for what you have.  Discontentment is a lifestyle of disappointment for what you do not have.  I use the word “chase” because this is not something that just happens–you don’t just trip over contentment.  We must actively pursue gratitude and recognize the goodness of God in our lives.


3. Develop Boundaries.  In the midst of loneliness and unmet desires, relationships–any relationship–start to look good.  Be careful where your eyes, your thoughts and your heart go.  Time cultivates attraction.  You get it.

4. Become accountable to your family and your church.  You and I are meant to be a part of a community. I mustn’t be autonomous.  I must invite the input, guidance, and challenge of God’s people.


5. Reject the World’s Encroachment.   The North American culture tends to absorb your time and your money if there is ever extra of either.  Time become absorbed by shopping, TV, even exercise.  Having enough money, especially in Southern California where I live, is sometimes difficult for people with one income, but are there ways that you could use your money more carefully? How might you encourage the church with both your time and money?

6. Go against the odds. Getting married is not like a game of poker.  I will trust the sovereignty of the Creator of the Universe that He will bring me a spouse if and when it is His will. I will trust that if He calls me to serve in the Outer Mongolia and if it is His will that I be married, that He is able to provide a spouse even at the ends of the earth.

7. Practice Hospitality.  I recognize that my home is a gift of God, and one He expects me to use for His glory. I will have people over to my home–strangers, new people at church, neighbors. Take meals to new moms. Don’t have much room?  Walk somewhere together, or host a picnic in the park. Viv Thomas said, “In times of difficulty, over attention to ourselves gets in the way of engaging with God’s purpose for us.”  Hospitality take our focus off ourselves.


8.  Pursue families.  Nancy Lee DeMoss says in her book Singled out for Him, “Nothing will rid us of unrealistic notions of marriage and parenting than in-depth involvement in real homes.”  Serve them, love them, find ways to be involved. Babysit for date nights.  Cook dinner.  Disciple teens, take the children to serve along side you.

9.  Resolve to Not be Slothful in Zeal, be fervent in Spirit, Serve the Lord.  (Romans 12:11)  Romans tells us to be boiling, passionate, focused on Christ.  Take some risks for Jesus: Move to Togo; teach in China; disciple a junior higher.

When you look at the bottom line, single or married, the summary is the same: life is short, eternity is long, and Jesus more precious than anything else. Jonathan Edwards Resolution (6) gives the final admonition:  Resolved:  “To live with all my might while I live.”


Reposted from February 2018


  1. […] Whatever the complications, dear Single friend, here is the truth of the matter: you need families more than families need you. Right? Even as I write that, it feels a little lonely and sad to acknowledge. Always the babysitter, never the date. . .I need community. My house and thoughts are too quiet. My selfishness flourishes in solitude. (For more discussion on all of this, check out Sam Alberry’s book and this post.) […]


  2. Thank you Lisa. I highly value reading your messages. We as singles do need to focus our attention on God, His Word, His people, and service, in contentment.

    I would like to ask you to consider writing about another topic I have in mind. May I contact you privately?


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